oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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