I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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