at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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