she was so not down for the gang bang
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
This is the high leading the old right now
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
