If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
