dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
