watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We had sex on a dog bed..
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