so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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