Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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