why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
