I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
