i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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