I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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