The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
