this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
