The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
