there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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