Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
