At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
