I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
