your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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