the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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