so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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