Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
