I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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