his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
