if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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