I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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