saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
