Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
