i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
