come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
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Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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