apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
