i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My penis needs a shock collar
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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