About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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