two words: eviction party
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
