dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
