So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
