I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
