If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
