Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
