I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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