His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
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I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
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Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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