I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
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When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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