Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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