Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
