I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
