My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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