so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
