Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
