Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
