her vagina looked like bernie madoff
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
