you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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