Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
