Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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